Thank u, Next

Hello everyone! This is a long one, so go pee and settle in before you read this! So I'm very impressed with myself. Why? I've managed to defy the rules of relationships and somehow managed to get played by someone I wasn't even dating. I got friend dumped, guys! Now I'm assuming most of us know how it feels when you think someone is your friend when they're really not, or at least all girls who have ever experienced middle school, and its many hormones. I like to call that The Period of Beefing. Like, if you were in 10 miles of me you just being meant you had wronged me, or the few people I genuinely liked, and you were going to rue the day you met me. Now it's just those besties who I call for every minor inconvenience that rue the day they met me. However, we are not talking about the era of beef, we are talking about the man that platonically, "broke up with me", over text, accused me of flirting with him, and when corrected ended up telling me it's actually my personality. Excuse me, sir, are you the top search on google under Julianne Wright's blog? Because my personality is awesome! Ugh, I really, really hope you're not because I've told like 7 people my password for whatever reason... like I don't think they even asked I just talk too much. But no, you see a picture of ME pursing my lips and wrapped up in a candy cane sherpa, thank you very much! And you know why? It's because people like me, goddammit! Now, it's worth noting that I was extremely bitter and hurt at first, but at this point, I've had a week to reflect and have actually useful advice instead of an article of petty insults which I have no shame in admitting was my first draft. My Mama would not be proud of me if I name called or wished bad things on people, although for the number of times she's asked me if, "I could be any lazier?" It seems like somebody is being a tad hypocritical. Like I'll just be sitting there, doing absolutely nothing, and apparently, that proves some sort of point that I don't seem to be picking up. What's most annoying is I don't know if I can be! Like I don't have an answer for you! I have taken like 80 steps today yet I feel like I would be content with 45. I think the most exercise I do is lifting my weighted blanket off me in the morning, and one morning I literally rolled out of my bed... like onto my floor. Oh yeah, when I had Covid I texted my brother for a glass of water. Yep, you read that I didn't even exert the energy to open my mouth and speak, and when he said no I texted my Mama who was right next to me. Yet, every time I walk up the stairs at school and have to hide my panting from the person next to me, I'm surprised. So without further incriminating myself and revealing my schemes, let's go on to the second paragraph where I will go further in-depth and more tea will be spilled.

Ok, so after I was humbled by the guy I will call the " Math Wiz", I texted the group chats to unleash my hate and receive validation. In return, I got an influx of love, support, and strangely Justin Bieber memes. You know when you've got six other girls reaffirming you and telling you you're awesome but there's always that one friend in there that's sending you pictures of a woman giving a thumbs up saying "When your life falls apart, kick it under the refrigerator so no one notices." With the caption under it saying, "carry this energy with you tomorrow." I was laughing and ended up choking on my own spit while crying to an on and off playing of "Thank u, Next", due to all the notifications I getting from my bitches. At that moment, I realized that I had a support system that the Math Wiz probably didn't get from his feminine, string bean of a best friend that likes to make jokes about me. But to make it less formal let's call him "Hairline" because I'm giving him till 26 until he balds. Now, this other nerdy man who has made many playlists FOR HIMSELF, to give him "main character energy" is absurd! Now, I may just be hating because I know I'm not the main character, and in reality, I'll just be the funny best friend, but honestly, that is next-level narcissism... and that is coming from me, the girl who stares at her reflection in pancake syrup. If you're making a playlist make one that gives kick-it under the refrigerator energy, hun.

Now, I wouldn't be saying this if Hairline stayed out of my platonic relationship with Mr. Math Wiz and didn't make mean comments or jokes about me while thinking I'm oblivious to it because I'm not, I have spies everywhere. You see nobody told me any gossip when I was younger so I had to do crap like recruit spies, figure things out, and learn how to talk to people. It was an exhausting process, but worthwhile because I'm nosy. Say what you want about me but I am adaptable. I could walk in the house and my Mama could acknowledge me as Turdface Wright, I would assume she was talking to me and respond with a peace sign before heading to my room. Autocorrect is underlining Turdface and thinks I mean surface. No, autocorrect, my family is just very messed up, and we need help. I should say I'm not blaming Hairline for the texts stating that my personality is a "Crazy, all over the place personality,". But I am saying he mostly had a heavy influence on the formation of these opinions. I believe everything, but several of my ladies' B.S. detectors were going off for making shit up, and giving that certain information has been relayed back to me it's not hard to figure out the source for these sudden comments after several months of knowing my personality. If their suspicions are right I would like to make it clear that yes, I am a good, nice person but I'm not a pushover and anything you feel like saying to me, should be to me, not through a mutual mouthpiece. Honestly, in a fight between us, I don't know who would win given that you're ninety pounds and I'm scrappy and vengeful as hell. I don't know though, you could very well outrun me, and I'm too lazy to chase you. Ugh, running, yeah there's no way in hell that's happening. I would probably just stare at you in awe of your Gisele-like pace, sit on a rock, and call my ride.

Me explaining that I don't enjoy competitive running to people trying to get me to do track in the spring:

Finally, I want to thank you Mr. Math Wiz you've taught me a lot, and I've taken away some great lessons from having you in my life. I would like to share them with my readers if you don't mind. When I first got his not-so-kind texts, I felt insecure and angry at him. When I tell you I had a group of my girlfriends from my childhood, gym class, and just girls who found me relatable in my quest for revenge prepared to egg this man's house I'm not kidding! You can find anything on google. Lucky for him, egg prices went up, and apparently, it's a criminal offense. Something called vandalism... whatever...psssh. Hear that? That's the sound of me extinguishing a fire I created.

Me blaming other people for the fire:

Even if I did get arrested though, my mugshots would be hot. Anyways, a friend I've known for years did offer up the eggs from her chickens to me, but those are the free rangers, we don't wanna waste the brown eggs on someone who isn't worthy. My other friend who was on board with this has a boyfriend who is a junior so we had a ride at this point and the crazy statement was becoming more and more valid. Side note, we would literally be the sloppiest eggers ever! Like I already know to a T exactly how this would have gone down.

Friend 1 with the hot ride: Bitch! They aren't gonna know!

Me freaking out and wanting to turn this car around to the nearest Taco Bell: ... They're gonna know!

Egg Dealer in heavy camouflage while holding a T-Shirt gun to propel more eggs at a higher speed: How would they know?

Me: Because we're riding on the back of a freaking tractor, they'll be able to see us through the window, we have 3 cats and a dog riding on the back of this thing, and the street lights are literally illuminating in our direction right now.

Egg Dealer: * Hops off the tractor and army crawls into the bushes*

Friend with the hot ride: Yass fun! * Trips over her own feet and attempts to climb the neighbor's fence*

Me: * Making orange slice smiles and sitting on the back off the tractor with friend one's boyfriend, while regretting bringing on my bitches

Egg Dealer: *Shoots T-Shirt gun filled with eggs* Bullseye!

Friend with the hot ride: Go off! Eh! * throws eye directly at the window while still on top of the neighbor's fence*

Math Wiz's Family: * Turning on lights*

Friend with the hot ride: * Screaming* Oh my god! Julianne!! They see us.

Friend with the hot ride: *Falls off fence and heads back to the getaway tractor*

Egg Dealer: *Army crawls back on before treating it as a tank and shooting off the back*

Everyone: * Scurring off at 10 miles an hour in a 30 mph zone and our furry friends barking and meowing with us waving to the family, because we're all stupid*

...So yeah, that was out of the question. I like Officer Z and I wish not to get weird looks from him while passing him in the bus loop. Despite learning that vandalism is a crime no matter how hot you are, I learned the following.

1.) NOBODY should be living in your life rent-free:

You can not waste your support, positivity, and energy on someone who does not reciprocate to the same degree. Even though my tractor ladies are a tad crazy, they are loyal. Personally, I find loyalty one of the most important traits in a friend, so I'll take them over the Math Wiz any day of the year who I highly doubt would go to the same lengths as them. When you let go of people you don't get as much back from, you'll find you'll be releasing stress you didn't know existed in your life. It's like when you don't know you need a vacation, but you also aren't sure of why you're being mean to everybody and taking everything personally.

Me needing a vacation but deciding to start another fire instead:

2.) Don't change who you are to fit someone else's idea of who you are supposed to be.

I don't know if I stole that line from a movie... okay just googled it! No, no I didn't, I stole it from a TV show, it's a very different thing. Not every person will be one of your people and will want you, but that's okay because they're so many other people out there that will want you and will accept you. I mean look at Hairline, he has his nerdy little friends that accept his energy and math problems. I have mine that accepts my egging schemes and ferociousness disguised as cuteness by glasses that slip off my nose and a head that is too small for the rest of my body.

3.) Grudges won't get you anywhere

Okay, Math Wiz and Hairline, if you're reading this I don't hold a grudge against either of you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you two and wish you the best. Math Wiz, I'm glad this friendship happened, and I still think you're a nice, intelligent person as we had to have some things in common for it to begin in the first place, and I truly do appreciate your help in Geometry. Oh my god, that was going downhill fast. But seriously you're a very intelligent boy and even if relationships with others may not be your forte, you have to be able to see that you need better friends. I can't believe you let me go! I don't egg houses, but in a show of solidarity to my friends, I do spread rumors. That being said it has been fun but I'm also glad it's over now and happy to move on. Just know I have no ill will towards either of you and I hope this does not cause friction between us at Masterminds. I thank you, and Hairline I hope you can thank me too for making your dream of being "the main character" finally come true and hopefully inspiring a new playlist on your phone. A kick-it under the refrigerator kind of one.

And for that I say...