How to Win an Arguement

Why hello there! Get a snack I'm about to run my mouth like a lawnmower. Now I have been told my areas of expertise are talking, flirting, and being a baddie. The second one is questionable because nobody ain't ever been with this baddie, however, I have been told by a friend of mine that I am in their phone as the flirting master so hats off to me I suppose! The third one may have also been self-imposed but that detail is as irrelevant as your enemies will become after you read this article and demolish them. Today we will be discussing a topic I am quite familiar with, clapping back. Smack! You know how doctors have their Ph.D.'s hanging up around their office to show that they are not just some rando asking how much milk you've been drinking, instead, they are a qualified smarty playing whack a moll on your knee caps? I feel it is only fair to let you all know my credentials for why I am a clap back queen.

Reason1.) Ever since I was little I have been told I should be a lawyer by adults that I've cornered with passion and smart retorts written on my hands that I conjured up pre-battle time. I knew myself and I knew in the heat of the moment I would forget to deliver a punchline and I would suddenly remember in the car or bed or in the shower that night. You know when you are like planning it out in your head beforehand and are like, "pssh got em, oh this will most definitely have them shaking *evil hyena giggles*", and then you forget to say it and you're just like

Plus it doesn't hurt your bravado, I thought I looked tatted up and hardcore with the black sharpie all over my hands when I tattled on the other kids. However, I'd be lying if I told you there weren't instances where I got a bit carried away and ended up drawing the deathly hollows on my arm and a lightning bolt on my forehead... that I walked around with all day... and got an allergic reaction to... in seventh grade. Don't get me wrong it was totally worth it, it's just people tend to take you less seriously when you forget to draw the Elder wand. I was such a big tattletale that my homeroom teacher in 3rd grade gave me an official title as the "Classroom informer," and I would go down and let the Principle know what was up every Friday because even then I knew the tea. Why because I'm nosy!

My tea back then would be like, " Olivia Fickinworth broke a crayon... on purpose!" Oh my gosh, Olivia Fickinworth once stole one of my new and beloved mechanical pencils because she thought it was one of hers, so I cried and got hugs from the whole class that day. Despite the support I received through them telling her she was wrong for thieving me through their baby lisps, this girl still had my pencil, and I was ready to sweep the leg. Like, I'm serious, I literally wanted to run this bitch over with my training wheels. Ahh, I still remember the day I got those suckers off. I had never felt so free! It felt like I was flying! And I basically was if you count when I hit a bump on the sidewalk, was mid-air for 2.5 seconds and flew into my neighbor's trash can. I was alright! My hot pink unicorn helmet thankfully broke my fall. To those who have never dove into a trashcan head first before, aka people ho never had to wear a retainer, you will never know what it feels like to be a fart in a jar. The trashcan is the jar, and I was the fart since I was trapped and it smelled like death in there. I eventually used the trash bags as steps to hop back on my butterfly bike, but I was so short at the time it took a second to figure out how I was going to get out, so I was just standing there for a good couple of minutes with my eyes closed trying to teleport myself. Oh yeah, I also thought I had superpowers for a bit. I thought I could fly and would hang off of furniture with my arms spread like a bird and would be shocked when I face-planted onto the carpet. I also thought I could control water because of the censored sinks in the bathroom, so I told my whole class I could control the 7 seas and I was a half-blood, unfortunately, I think I may have jumped the gun on that one. I was a weird kid. Now I'm a weird teenager addicted to chocolate protein bars and Adam Sandler movies. Anyways, better move on to reason number two before you guys get bored and leave this half-blood's article. If you guys do, don't be surprised when your shower suddenly turns cold tonight, you have been warned!

Reason 2.) I've been trained by the best

My mom is incredibly intelligent, articulate, and even earned a Paralegal degree before my brother and I came along and gave her the opportunity to clean up thousands of goldfish and cheerios in the back of her Toyota. She stays cool under pressure and if you ever get a classy response from me in an argument over the phone it was probably her. If you've ever seen the Cardi B, " I wish you well, IN HELL, hehehe burn in hell," meme that is most likely the clap back you would have gotten up until last year. Before that my best comeback was, "So!!!" That's really all I had, it was pretty a downward spiral from that point in our conversation. Despite this, time and anxiety meds have helped me not want to throw blueberries in people's faces who are trying me. Furthermore, the most improved people are the best teachers making me a great role model for individuals with a fear of dogs, burglars, and Mrs. Blanchette. I have to say the fear of burglars must be inherited though because my mom sleeps with a baseball bat under her bed and told us if we ever need to knock on her window at night to duck. Honestly, I don't know what anybody would actually want to rob from us. Our 1984 Arby's Christmas collection cups?

Reason 3.) I have no shame

Are you serious? You actually need an explanation for this one! You people have known me for years, c'mon now. I once talked my neighbor down from 80 dollars to what was in my pocket, which consisted of 11 dollars and a button for their grill during a yard sale, and then proceeded to not buy it. The only reason didn't buy it is because I knew my Dad would flip out if he saw my neighbor and me wheeling a 200-pound Timberline grill down the block while he was trying to declutter the house. The reason I know that is because earlier that day I bought a cooler, pineapple purse, bedazzled suglasses, and a sparkley bingo vizor from an old lady. I looked like Macklemore with an overbite.

.... So um yeah I had my reasons.

That being said I am your main girl for advice! I can tell you all the rules on how to respond to a friend who is on the cusp of trying you, a teacher who be testing your gangsta and a parent who won't let you drive their car without a permit.

1.) Use valid points and state the facts

Nobody can argue with facts and logic. I would advise you to air on the side of caution with this as it has the tendency to further aggravate pissed-off parents. They won't admit good points will make them angry, but then again I refuse to acknowledge that one day I will have to cook and clean for myself, however, both of these things are inevitable. I don't even like to microwave my own food! I literally will wait 30 minutes for my mom to finish washing and folding my laundry if tells she will do it for me. We all have our downfalls, mine just happens to be finding the proper amount of time to warm up a pork chop.

2.) If they get angry, stay calm

Your calmness may help them settle down, and if it doesn't they may say something they regret, and the next day you'll see a 20 dollar bill getting slipped under your bedroom door. I mean, It tops what I used to do to ask for forgiveness, I would just show up at their door with a glass of apology milk and be like yeah sorry. But for those of you who still want to let them know they were acting irrational and crazy, don't worry that time will come, just be patient. Tell them after you spend their money at the Outlet mall on high-end lipgloss and a baby Yoda Bop It toy. Since tensions can be high during the holiday season, who knows, you may not even have to buy your own Christmas gifts if you play your cards right!

3.) Let it go

Now I may not be the prime example for this one considering I still remember when my brother, Roman, Roman John, Roman John Wright, got the day off from Kindergarten and my mom bought him a ghost bar, ( a chocolate bar shaped like a ghost for Halloween), and did not intend to buy me one for after I was done terrorizing St. Luke Catholic Preschool! I felt betrayed, mad, and I wanted revenge. Instead, we drove to the store and she got me one too, which I ate while seething in my booster seat. They went to the library for a storytime that day too! I mean sure I hated storytime, and all I did was eat smarties and color in the back while the other kids listened on the carpet, but I loved the escalator! I would just ride that thing up and down, with absolutely no intention of getting off it. It was majestic. Now I've held onto that for 14 years. Do as I say, not as I do.

To summarize, I have given you a guide to verbally crush all of your enemies, use it wisely, and remember with great power comes great responsibility. Oh yeah and that I'm a half-blood, duh!