How to Take Good Pictures!

Hello to my wonderful readers and subscribers! Today we are discussing the art of taking a good picture! I got the idea today in Spanish after I won 3rd runner-up in Kahoot. I don't mean to brag, but it is quite an accomplishment if I do say so myself. The glory and pride that came with my win were however short-lived, due to my bladder being the size of a walnut, and me having to run to the little girl's room to take a forceful victory piss. Sometimes a girl just has to hit the can. Anyways, when I entered the restroom I headed to my favorite stall, the elicit handicapped stall. The reason it is my favorite is that the extra 35 inches or so it has to offer a gal just makes me feel so much more important! How do I take advantage of that privilege you might wonder? Perhaps I reenact Micheal Jackson's, "Thriller" music video, or pull out my yoga mat and do a Chloe Ting 10 minute ab workout? ... Nah, I sit there and stretch it out. While sitting there, I heard what I assumed to be either the snap of a phone camera or the paparazzi due to the splash my blog is making in the world. After you upgrade from 8 to 12 members you can't really expect privacy anymore. I feel like a Kardashian, special for no reason. Except when I go into a public bathroom! Suddenly I go from special, to special needs in a blink of an eye. After I arose from my coveted toilet to wash my hands, I noticed a girl with a light-up selfie case taking a photo of herself, and it got me thinking. Thinking many things, one being she should turn her flash off, because I plan to photobomb, and when I do, I refuse to look washed out. How do I know this? Easy, 95% of the pictures in my camera roll are of me. Narcissistic or self-love, I'll leave that up to you, but it is what it is. My other thoughts led me to give you expert advice on how to take the perfect picture!

1. Know your angles

Angles are everythinggg! I finally understand why my 6th-grade math teacher wanted me to learn them so badly! I mean yeah, sure her obtuse was a pain in the caboose, but now I appreciate it because it helps me take an acute selfie. Ahhh I'm way too proud of that one. Alas her condescending ass, she taught me we all have a good side and a bad side. The examples that come to mind when I think of this particular life lesson are, "Star Wars", the tops and bottoms of chocolate muffins, and the problematic switch from regular me to hangry me ... I bite... the subject of my wrath hasn't always been food. I would like to think I've become much more tolerant over the years, but then again if you come near my 10 dollar almond butter, I will kill you.

Demonstration of the importance of proper angles through my signature looks!

Inspired by Incredibles 2

" The Edna Mode"

No capes!

Inspired by my mom when I trip over nothing in public

" Joe, she's down again,"

( their catchphrase at my soccer games)

Inspired by God judging my life-choices

"The, are you serious girl? ... I don't usually give up on people but..."

2.) Find Good Lighting!

Good lighting is essential to look presentable, which is probably why I choose to sit in the worst lighting in my house for zoom meetings. I like to set the bar low, so when people see me in real life I am a more delighted sight to take in due to not looking like I have contacted Covid, haven't slept in days, and haven't eaten a thing in a WHOLE thirty- five minutes. Now when on the search for good lighting, your pride non-existent. I don't care if you have to NFL tackle a stranger in the hallway when it is the golden hour, it is GOLDEN hour. If they're really mad either tell them that you'll tag them, or follow in the footsteps of the NFL players, and slap them on the butt. Those guys always seem pretty happy after one of those, so who knows the person you're dealing with might be the same way... or you'll get a week-long suspension for sexual harassment. Either way, you'll have a new story!

3.) Act Natural

Acting natural is important because you want people to have a true depiction of who you are when they look at a picture of you. It would be somewhat misleading to people if the town's cranky old bastard abruptly transformed into a ray of pure sunshine every time they came in contact with a camera. Don't pose! Just relax and pretend the camera is not there, your true colors will always shine through. I have been a master at this for as long as I can remember! For instance, here is my school picture from 1st grade that I think is an extremely clear embodiment of my personality; overly excited and a little confused.

When my family first got my pictures back I was bursting with pride, and genuinely thought that I looked unbelievably attractive. It is now 8 years later, and my mind still has yet to be changed. If I'm being blunt, this is hands down the best picture I've ever taken, and will probably hold that title for the rest of my life. Just look at that winning smile! My two front teeth are missing, and I still had the gap in between my bottom teeth that I used to shoot water at my brother out of. Squirt gun fights all day, er day!

4.) Pay Attention to Your Posture

You should always try to have good posture, but it is undoubtedly CRUCIAL when that moment in time will last forever. That means paying close attention to your shoulders and chin. Your shoulders should be pushed so far forward that you could pass as a sleepy cat, and your chin should be held up so high that you resemble a pretentious show dog. The exact pose you are going for is how people look before they are about to throw it back. I won't lie to you guys, I've stayed up till 1:00 am, watched multiple youtube tutorials, and I am pleased to inform you that my status has improved from the skill of Kim Kardashian on, " Dancing with the Stars", to a highly diluted version of Shakira in, "Hips Don't Lie", and I'm ready to go partying! Tragically, the clubs are not yet ready to house the fourteen-year-old bad bitches of the Ontario County area. Thus, for now, I am both limited to, and perfectly content with nibbling my chicken tenders ordered off the kids' menu at local restaurants. I am not twelve nor am I below twelve, but then again you know me, I've always been a rebel against authority. Like today when my mom was taking out the trash, I snuck a donut before dinner *gasp*! Well... more like I ate the crumbs off the tray, but my defiant intentions remained! Or when I was five and made handprints on the eclair cake that was sitting in the refrigerator. When confronted I went on to blame our innocent puppy, Trio, who was both the sweetest and gayest Westie in all of Erie, Pennsylvania. I'm noticing most of my stories where I have broken the rules have been for the sake of food... I'm questioning if that is an issue or not... eh whatever. Despite me not being allowed into clubs, I have tried to order a strawberry margarita at Chili's from my brother's French teacher, who waitressed there in the summer about two years ago. For some reason, she didn't fall for my rouse. I think it was either the braces, flat chest, or my sparkly pink shirt with an ice cream cone on it that may have tipped her off. The day I gave away that shirt was a little emotional. Good times. This paragraph took like seventeen detours, but my point is you should watch your posture.

5.) Use a Filter

Ok, I know how it sounds but, I used a filter for the first time yesterday on Snapchat, and it is pretty safe to say I've never looked hotter! Just don't move too much or it'll come off. Let me give you the rundown. I recently got Snapchat and decided to add lots of people so I could better promote my blog, and I ended up adding my friend's boyfriend, whom I've never met and sent him lots of photos of me looking like a total smoke show. I was a Mexican with a rainbow afro and had my tongue poking out the side of my mouth, as well as a mega fat, squishy-faced version of myself with facial hair for days! I suppose my weirdness was either freaky or intriguing to him because he attempted to video call me, which scared the pants off of me so I didn't answer. You have to understand I don't talk to boys, I just admire them from afar. Yeah, we don't go there that's unknown territory! That territory is filled with grunts, farts, and videogames. Come to think of it, I don't know why they fascinate me so much, but for some reason, they've caught my attention. Now if you want to catch their attention, I would recommend reading my flirting tips article down below! Let me know in the comments if you have any other tips on how to be more photogenic. Please like and subscribe for more of my content!

XOXO,

the girl who stopped writing this different three times to get a snack, cuddled, and got distracted by her own reflection